They say "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" but that doesn't apply here, I KNEW he was the greatest person i'd ever know, i knew it was the greatest friendship i'd ever have... what I didn't know was that it would all end, and certainly not in the way that it did.

They say "time's a healer" well... time's numbed the pain, clouded the memories... but I don't think anything will ever be truly "healed".

Thursday the 8th March 2001 - the day my life ended, I really don't know what he was thinking making that call to me, how he thought I would react. I do Know, He Wasn't... from that moment I was gone and there wasn't a thing I could say or do about it.

Thinking back the last few times we spoke before... huh... "before", i could hear it in his voice like he had something on his mind, like he was in a dilemma and didn't know what to do, as if he was trying to tell me something... well I got my answer.

After the initial shock, desperation and bewilderment had subsided my mind blocked it all out over '01 and '02, if i tried to think about it in that period i actually physically couldn't remember, I think it was my brain protecting me, cos if i had of I would have died... and I'm deadly serious when I say that.

2003, '04 & '05 were pretty desperate bleak empty years, things started to pick up a bit towards the end of '05 for one reason or another, and then in 2006 I really started to think things could change, but it wasn't to be... and it's been wishing and wondering ever since.

So why am I writing this now? because I know it's never going to happen, I think i've always known, and I'm pretty sure he's stopped caring now anyway.

I've done everything I can, and to be honest... given the fact that it was me who was discarded, that it was made clear to me my friendship was no longer wanted or needed... i don't really know why it should be me who says "hello" anyway??? (which I have done twice by the way, shoulda got the message then)

Now I'm fully aware that to the wider world their love and their children cancels out my pain and loss, and RIGHTLY SO I think it's a beautiful thing i really do - But the shadow of an existence i have today is squarely down to them, but I try to carry on, to find solace and wonder in the simple eternal things of life... the sky, the air, the trees, my family and our beautiful precious animals.

I don't know where or how i'd fit into his "real world" of houses work and children anyway, i don't even know if i want to that much, all I do know is I can't keep feeling like this forever...