So I'm sitting here, a cup of tea and rollies on hand, on a grey rainy autumn afternoon (i ain't got a job... are u mad!!... am I???), in my Wonderful Mother's house, i don't live here i WISH I did though...

The shocking death of Gary Speed aswell as all the other tragic high-profile deaths this year, not to mention the millions of others who I'm not even aware of the existence of... has really made me think about my own life and place in the world, or should i say lack of life and place...

How did it become this way, how did i become a person who it's alright not to care about, any answers anyone, anyone outthere gonna save me, why doesn't someone, one of you reading this just send me an e-mail just a message something...

A very belated "Happy new year" to everyone... and a hello to the 17 people in the Ukraine who have apparently been looking at my blog... the new stats/tracker function is very good i must say... very interesting indeed.

Merry Christmas to Everyone, hope you all had a great day with your families, loved one's, whoever...

They say "you don't know what you've got till it's gone" but that doesn't apply here, I KNEW he was the greatest person i'd ever know, i knew it was the greatest friendship i'd ever have... what I didn't know was that it would all end, and certainly not in the way that it did.

They say "time's a healer" well... time's numbed the pain, clouded the memories... but I don't think anything will ever be truly "healed".

Thursday the 8th March 2001 - the day my life ended, I really don't know what he was thinking making that call to me, how he thought I would react. I do Know, He Wasn't... from that moment I was gone and there wasn't a thing I could say or do about it.

Thinking back the last few times we spoke before... huh... "before", i could hear it in his voice like he had something on his mind, like he was in a dilemma and didn't know what to do, as if he was trying to tell me something... well I got my answer.

After the initial shock, desperation and bewilderment had subsided my mind blocked it all out over '01 and '02, if i tried to think about it in that period i actually physically couldn't remember, I think it was my brain protecting me, cos if i had of I would have died... and I'm deadly serious when I say that.

2003, '04 & '05 were pretty desperate bleak empty years, things started to pick up a bit towards the end of '05 for one reason or another, and then in 2006 I really started to think things could change, but it wasn't to be... and it's been wishing and wondering ever since.

So why am I writing this now? because I know it's never going to happen, I think i've always known, and I'm pretty sure he's stopped caring now anyway.

I've done everything I can, and to be honest... given the fact that it was me who was discarded, that it was made clear to me my friendship was no longer wanted or needed... i don't really know why it should be me who says "hello" anyway??? (which I have done twice by the way, shoulda got the message then)

Now I'm fully aware that to the wider world their love and their children cancels out my pain and loss, and RIGHTLY SO I think it's a beautiful thing i really do - But the shadow of an existence i have today is squarely down to them, but I try to carry on, to find solace and wonder in the simple eternal things of life... the sky, the air, the trees, my family and our beautiful precious animals.

I don't know where or how i'd fit into his "real world" of houses work and children anyway, i don't even know if i want to that much, all I do know is I can't keep feeling like this forever...

Well it's been over a year! since I last updated this blog, and to be honest I had pretty much given up on it... but I'm online and thought why not!!

So everythings pretty much the same with me (all the "major" issues in my life anyway, and they look like staying that way... depressing isn't it).

Since my last post i've moved in with my grandmother (no rent or bills etc etc so it's not too bad) and we've got a lovely cat called Stella, also my Mum now has 4 beautiful cats and as I spend alot of time at mum's I see a fair bit of them. The cat that really started this current kitty craze, beautiful "Baby Cat" she was called, was sadly run-over and had to be put down only a few months after my last post... it was really heartbreaking and we weren't sure if we wanted anymore, but we decided the best thing would be to have more and love them just as much.

Speakin of Mum I've just been up and taken her a cup of earl-grey tea before she get's ready for work, yes she devoted her whole life to me and my brothers and sister and has now got a job cleaning, she works harder than anyone ever could and is the most wonderful amazing woman. I just wish I could do more to make her proud of me.

It was my birthday not very long ago which passed by with barely an acknowledgement... which is sad in a way, but I prefer it that way if i'm honest... don't like being reminded of how old i'm getting and nothing's ever changing...

I'm also doing "Twittering" now at KWnotaliveorded, if anyone's remotely curious, and i'll try and link the two pages if I'm clever enough.

Anyway that's it for now, till next time...

Being described as a "cyber stalker" (yeah you wish!, I think more than a touch of self-flattery at work here;)) is somewhat disconcerting... I mean what's a blog for if not commenting on? and as my attempts at direct contact seem to have gone unheard I really had little option...

And as you know exactly who I am, where I am and WHY I am... can I still qualify under the"stalker" banner.

But never fear I've got the message now, yeah... only JUST NOW! have I got the message... and it's sad to know that all your comments and hints and videos to the contrary were all bullshit!... but i knew they were deep down really, as I think did you...

(and as an edition: do my original comments that you happily replied to, not count as stalking?, and the last one does? I don't get that - maybe you'd be good enough to explain it to me - I think you owe me that at the VERY LEAST)

I know I'm a bit late... but this is just a short post to wish everyone who may be reading, and may have read this, a very Happy New Year. (And everyone else too for that matter)

This year I'm going to try and be better, just have a better and healthier outlook all round, and a clearer healthier more open mind.

I'm also going to try and do positive things in all area's of my life to make this a reality, I just hope I havn't left it too late.... (though in some cases it would seem i have, but you can't win em all... something i should be used to by now)

So i'll end as I started, by saying Happy New Year everyone.